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I really don’t fear pain or anything, and I really would do anything to get it.I have never resorted to self harm in the usual way. I don’t cut myself, I don’t put myself in danger, but I crave pain.But, suggest to me that I spend all night hanging by my wrists, and I will do it, regardless of the fact I would suffer afterwards.Tell me you want to beat the shit out of me, and I will let you. I wont fight back, as long as you hurt me.That, basically, is who I am.But back to that night.I decided, as it was winter, that maybe a night in the snow would be good. The forecast was two below zero, yet another cold night.Now. I don’t know if you have ever been out in the night when it’s that cold, but the wind bites like a shark, and your blood can freeze. I would never suggest anyone try it, especially if, as I was, you are naked.This was the thing. I wanted something drastic, as I had had nothing for ages. And I could only do it myself, as no-one I knew was prepared to help me.I had rung. “Anyway,” Jill concluded, “I’ve decided to be naked in school today, too.” Looking at Emily she added, “Miss Adams, I would appreciate it if you would undress me in front of the other students. Would you, please?”I was stunned, and it was clear that Jake was, too. “But why, Jill?” I managed to ask.“For two reasons,” she said. “First, I really love Jake very much. I always have.” Her eyes were downcast when she said it. Then with her back straight and her head up high she continued, “I’ve been a brat with him, I know. But he’s the best damned big brother a girl could ever hope to have. And if he can be naked, I can be, too.”Then she looked at me and continued, “I’ve only known you for a couple of days, Sue, but you personify everything that a girl would like to be. And you’ve even volunteered to be my big sister, and there are no words to describe how important that is to me. Finally, there’s the love that you and Jake so obviously share. I want some of that, even if it has to be.
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